My name is Sebastian Hayball and this is the story of how I became a Bahá’í in October 2006.
When I discovered the Bahá’í Faith I had been living in the Foyer for two years. The Foyer is a housing project for young people between the ages of 16-25 who have fallen off the path that takes most people from being children to well-adjusted adults.
When I first moved into the Foyer I was diagnosed with Aspergers, which is on the Autistic Spectrum and for me personally it is not a disorder or syndrome but a label we have given to individuals whose souls are more spiritually attuned than the generality of the people and society that they have been born into, and find it difficult or impossible to adjust to an entirely materialistic society. By society I mean the spaces they spend their time in; the home, school, friends homes and so on.
At this point I’d like to drop in a quote for you to ponder; “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
When I was 10 years old, while on holiday in Spain with my family for the fifth or sixth time, I saw the endless cycle of my young years: go to school and be bullied, be at home and watch TV and play video games and eat dinner with my family and be given presents at Christmas and birthdays. I remember being in the bedroom that I and my sisters shared at my grandparents’ villa and feeling so empty and unfulfilled by this existence that I cried. My Mum came in to see me and when I explained how I felt, she responded with something along the lines of “OK hon, come down and join us for nibbles when you’re feeling better.”
I was 10 years old and had just told my mother I was profoundly unhappy and she had responded like I had just described a stomach ache. My parents and two sisters are very close. They connect with each other very well on a material level. They share the same outlook and are comfortable with their lifestyle, but I yearned for something more than that offered. I don’t blame my parents for not being able to help me; they could only share with me what had been shared with them and what they had learned. I don’t think I can blame them for lacking understanding and awareness. It’s not like they knew what would help me and kept it from me to make their lives easier; they actually just didn’t know.
So when I was 20 in October 2004, my parents took me to the Swindon Dyslexia Centre and I was diagnosed with Aspergers; this was when my journey toward a more fulfilling outlook and lifestyle began.
This told me that I was destined for some great, some awesome purpose. Now I know we all are unique and destined for something great if we work hard enough for long enough but I didn’t feel that this understanding had been promoted to my generation and to the 56 other young people who lived in the Foyer. So while I didn’t feel I was somehow better or more enlightened than everyone else, knowing the things I knew and understanding the concepts and insights that I was discovering told me I was seeking something no one else was. This awareness buoyed my confidence on the loneliest nights of boredom and starvation of true fulfilment throughout my time in the Foyer and ever since. I wasn’t clinically depressed but I was bored out of my skull and lonely beyond imagination. But at the same time I wasn’t so desperate for friendship that I would try to make friends with those who ridiculed and bullied me out of jealousy and fear of the unknown.
Also, during the first three weeks of moving into the Foyer, I met Marie Manser at the Friday Morning Breakfast Club. She was looking for young people to help her do some voluntary youth work with young people. I think this is the point where my life was changed. If anyone was a time traveller, someone who had travelled back there from the future to make sure I was here being the person I am now eight years later, it was Marie who gave me some balance and perspective amongst all of the chaos that was hurricaning around the Foyer and inside my head. It was Marie who gave those days of dreaming some meaning and eventually connected me to the best group of lifelong friends anyone could dream up for themselves – but we’ll get to that part of the story later on..
During those years I also emptied myself into around 17 notebooks discussing stuff I saw on the News and read in books and watched in movies. Corporations, the media, society, government, religion, the end of the world, (r)evolution, the beginning and possible endings of the universe, conspiracy theories, the possibility of other intelligent life in the universe and also a lot of discussion about the friction I encountered during that first year in the Foyer. Along with the knowledge of all the people who had shown characteristics of Aspergers, my all-encompassing interest in so many things going on in the world that no one I knew even approached being interested in, reiterated that I was on some sort of journey and these days in the Foyer wouldn’t last forever. I would live there for two years before my confidence in this higher purpose would be answered and fulfilled beyond my wildest dreams.
Those were the days of no responsibility and 24/7 day dreaming. From playing a video game to scribbling down 12 pages of some fantastic conspiracy theory until 3 am. These were how my days were spent and while I wouldn’t wanna do it again, I wouldn’t change it either.
Several times while living in the Foyer I would go into town, realise I had forgotten something, come back to get it and on the way back into town I would meet someone or somehow benefit from arriving a little bit later. Over time this gave me the sense that my life was being guided by forces that I didn’t understand and couldn’t control. I just had to accept. Notice I didn’t say my life was being controlled, just guided. I could choose to go against the guidance but more often than not when I fought against it, I ended up worse off.
During all of this time I had several ‘friendships’ three of which contributed significantly to my spiritual development. Through these friendships I learned a lot about fleeting friendships and the meaning of true friendship. If friends can’t handle you growing and changing and going through difficult and better phases then maybe your friendship isn’t what it used to be. I grew out of every friendship I ever made in the Foyer. I remember them with fondness, I had some good times and dreams with all my friends but none of them were destined to last. What I’ve realized is that true friendship isn’t based on mutual interest in video games, music, films, sports anything that comes from outside of us. How can it be? Surely it’s based on something deeper, more substantial and dependable than our changing interests, opinions and hobbies.
True friendship is based on attraction to qualities: enthusiasm, honesty, kindness, love, generosity, humility, and a sense of service to your friends, mankind, possibly even God, if you believe in one.
During a family holiday in Bermuda in the summer of 2005 I read David Icke’s The Biggest Secret and that book showed me what is beyond the edge of reason and faith: a rabbit warren of endless doubts and fears. Sometime, very early on in my life in the Foyer, I discovered a concept called synchronicity, others call it serendipity. Sceptics misuse the term coincidence. It’s the idea that behind our visible world is an invisible clockwork, a cosmic organizer that has the times, dates, places and/or situations when we are going to meet that special person or read that book or go through that experience that will change the course of our lives forever.
Maybe it’s not times, dates and places but a variation in frequency within our individual and collective consciousness and how these vibrations interact with the circumstances and how receptive we are to what might be possible for us if we are making an effort to be the best that we can be as people. I didn’t know, and I still don’t, but I did gain an awareness of its presence and by going with the flow, being humble to these ethereal forces that were greater than me or any one person and not being too attached to my own plans and what I wanted out of my day, I could connect to and align or submit my will to that which was guiding me to that which I was most fervently seeking. It was around this time that I drifted away from the negativity and anxiety of my conspiracy theories.
August to November 2005 was one of the darkest periods of my time in the Foyer. I know because I wrote several pages about how I felt. I was so tired of the endless cycle of self-destruction, back to life only to die again that my reality and state of mind was locked into, that I yearned for my purpose in being alive to be revealed to me. I was ready for whatever it was. I was prepared to arise and serve a cause greater than myself or fall and be deprived of all the blessings I sensed were waiting for me just beyond the perpetual next moment. Little did I know that a year later the former would be fulfilled and then filled up again.
Discovering my Purpose
At some point in 2005, on the bookshelf in the TV area in the reception of the Foyer I found a book called The Inner Reality by Dr Paul Brunton. He was a travelling orientalist and writer who travelled the East to learn and write down the wisdom of the yogis and sages and publish it for the man on the street. Dr Brunton published this book in 1937.
To this day I don’t know who put that book there, where they got it from or why they discarded it, but I’m convinced that book prepared me for one of the most significant evenings of my life in October 2006.
Eventually Marie called me up one day and, as she always did, asked me if I’d like to do something with her as she had many, many times since that first Breakfast Club in 2004. Remember those friends that I said she connected me to…
I said yes of course. On a Thursday night in early October me, Marie and some youngsters went to something called the Tranquillity Zone at the Health Hydro Fitness Centre on Faringdon Road in Swindon. An Irish lady, Fidelma Meehan, welcomed us and we entered what looked to me like an Eastern temple – drapes hanging from the ceiling, flowers and candles on the floor and huge comfy pillows. Once we were seated, Fidelma took us into a guided meditation that transported us to a jungle path that led to a boat and an amazing journey of self discovery that I hope everyone will be able to go on some day.
I went to as many Tranquillity Zones as I could after that first one in October 2006. They took place every Wednesday lunch time at 1 pm and every other Thursday at 7.30pm. After that first one Fidelma told me that many of the quotes used in the Zones were from the Bahá’í Writings and when she told me that the Bahá’í Faith stood for the oneness of the human race, the essential unity of religions and the oneness and unknowable essence of God, I was astonished as for the past few months I had come to believe in similar sentiments myself and was desperate to find others who believed as I did.
Over the next few months a whole new universe of possibilities opened up before my eyes as I delved deeper and deeper into this very young Faith that believed mankind’s history had only just begun and it was just our adolescence that was coming to a very painful end.
This answered so many of my questions about the state of our world and the future of our kind that people who knew me might say I’d joined a cult. However, I knew that these new friends of mine were for real and that’s all I needed to know.
I moved out of the Foyer on 27th March 2007 to another place in Old Town, where I am living at the moment.
Today I’m a member of the Bahá’í community in Swindon. I strive to balance my interest in video games and TV shows with being active in the community. My parents accepted the path I have chosen and are very happy that I am part of such a positive and friendly group of people.
Thank you for reading my story, I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed going through my bag of memories and emotions. I also hope you can see that neither the bright nor dark times last very long at all although it may seem like it when you’re going through them. Whether good or bad, I’ve learnt that the key is to keep going and keep trying to learn what life is trying to teach us.
______________________
Sebastian Hayball
Swindon, July 2012
kevinbeint said:
Such an interesting story and deserves a wide audience. So many issues that people do not understand if they do not experience them and you have explained it so well. I found it enlightening and uplifting. Thanks.
zekastian19 said:
Heya Kevin
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I’ve recently started my own blog here on WordPress as I’ve realised facebook is not the forum for my long posts of very involved material.
If you follow any blogs on here, would you like to also follow mine? I intend to discuss all sorts of topics from Aspergers to the Faith and everything in between. Also, if you know anyone who’d be interested please point them in my direction as I’m really interested in writing on issues and making it as conversational as possible.
Thanx
Sebastian
Sharon marnell said:
Wow! Great story and full of insight. I am humbled by your journey.
zekastian19 said:
Thank you. If you are interested I’ve started a blog of my own. You can find a link further down the page where it says that I reblogged the story.
It would be great to have your thoughts on some my posts…
Thanks again for encouraging me to write more! ( :
Sebastian
carolyn1995 said:
What a fascinating ‘story’ Sebastian, I’m sure it will strike a chord with many of us…
drwsynant said:
Thanks to Sebastian for sharing this deep and wonderful story. We used to have tranquillity zones here–maybe there is still a need for them. With love, Joan Birch
Anonymous said:
An honest and interesting journey very clearly explained. As Kevin says, it deserves a wider audience. Thank you for sharing. How many others experience simialr feelings and end up turning to palliatives rather than being enabled to recognize their true self.
sima said:
what an inspiring and wonderful story.
Sandrina Day said:
Dear Precious Sebastian,
I have just read your wonderful life story thus far. How precious you are! I was very blessed to attend Tranquility Zone gatherings about 10 years ago.
I wish you much love, joy, inspiration & peace.
Loving thoughts,
Sandrina
Washington DC Baha’i
zekastian19 said:
Thank you for your kind and loving words Sandrina!
If you’d like to keep up with whats going on with me I’ve started a blog of my own.
Love!
Sebastian
Mehyar Badii said:
Great to hear your story Seb! Very beautifully written! Thanks for sharing.
zekastian19 said:
Thank you Mehyar! If you are interested I’ve started a blog of my own, you can find a link further down the page where it says that I reblogged the story.
It would be great to have your thoughts on some of my posts…
Thanks again for encouraging me to write more! ( :
Sebastian
May Hofman said:
Wonderful story Seb. I remember meeting you at Wellington and being deeply impressed.
zekastian19 said:
Heya May!
Thank you! I have my own blog now if you’re interested?
Theres a link below to where I reblogged this story to my page.
Thanx again ( :
Iran Jolly said:
Very moving indeed. May God be with you always.
zekastian19 said:
Reblogged this on finding our way in a strangely disordered world and commented:
This is the story of how I became a Baha’i in October 2006.
padraigg2014P said:
What a journey – and what a story! The ability to reflect on our experiences either retrospectively or during the experiences themselves is such a wonderful bounty. This story demonstrates that ability so powerfully and so movingly, and is further enhanced, I feel, by its captivating openness and honesty. If I was to choose one highlight (from among many) it would be: “I was ready for whatever it was. I was prepared to arise and serve a cause greater than myself or fall and be deprived of all the blessings I sensed were waiting for me just beyond the perpetual next moment”.
Pat Morrissey said:
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story, Sebastian. Thank you for sharing the steps and stages of your journey.
Maya-Rose Chauhan said:
Hi Sebastian. This is an excellent story, very well written and quite compelling. I encourage you to keep on writing. All the best, Maya-Rose
Louise said:
Thank you for sharing your story and being so open and honest. It’s inspiring and uplifting and I’m glad you found your spiritual home and family
Fariba said:
Such an honest, beautiful and heartfelt story. I have met you at different events over the last years Sebastian, including at the Wellington Summer School. Thank you for sharing your inspirational story. Hope to see you soon.